True Confessions of a Romance Addict
Romantic addiction. It’s a pretty common symptom of childhood sexual abuse. It’s a characteristic where even the potential for a romantic relationship basically defines your whole existence. You want someone to love you, need someone to love you, and every person you meet could be The One. Like, you’re in 5th grade and a new kid starts school and has the same science class as you. He could be The One. You don’t even know him or who he is, but you have to find out if he likes you.
He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t know you. He is busy living his life. But you, being addicted to romance, have already come up with ten different ways to ‘casually’ say hello.
What happens next is this stranger starts to influence your whole life. You find out what things he likes, and you start to like them. You change your lunch routine so that he might see you gracefully dining on lettuce. (just lettuce, girls don’t eat. That’s a whole ‘nother conversation tho.) You practice writing your name and his name and then your together names. It’s bad. It consumes you. And then. And THEN. When you do finally say hello, there is so much energy built up on that one interaction that you probably always look like an insane person. “OH HELLO MY NAME IS ATHENA I ALSO LIKE TO BIRDWATCH LOOK AT THESE BINOCULARS I DIDN’T JUST BUY I’VE HAD THEM FOREVER. How do these things work?”
Okay, this is a bit of an exaggeration. But, seriously. My most insane moments, the ones that stick under my skin and come back to haunt me in the night, invariably involve me trying to be cool in front of a person I wanted to like me and absolutely failing.
So maybe you’re thinking, yeah so what? This was also my entire adolescence. It’s not weird, it’s normal. Hormones and shit.
Yeah. Yeahhhhhhh. Except that this didn't end for me with my teen years. It is in fact still pretty prevalent in my life.
I honestly thought I was over it, actually. Like I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I figured I worked on myself long and hard enough that I wasn’t really living my life trying to be half of a thing anymore.
And then I was single for the first time in like 6 years.
Well, hello, all of the sudden every guy that crosses my path is like a super-charged magnet and I am hyper-aware of all of them.
This one is cute. This one is nice. Does nice means he likes me?
Do you think he's single? Is there a wedding ring? oh wait, poly is a thing, maybe it doesn't even matter if he does have a wedding ring.
Every guy I interact with is subconsciously evaluated for romantic potential.
What. The. Fuck.
So maybe also, you’ve noticed at this point that I’ve used gendered language in this. Because it’s real. I love women, I think women are hot and sexy, but this doesn’t happen with every woman I meet. It’s just the men.
And, like, we all know why, here. (Or if you haven't figured it out, I'm about to tell you.) It’s an ass-backward thing about how my dad never loved me or he loved me in a really fucked up way. And that messed up relationship formed a lot of my identity. I mean, I was just a kid. And our relationship (and sometimes lack-there-of) with our parents always has a huge impact on our character. I mean, my dad also helped influenced my love of music and, to his chagrin, my hatred of math. He just also, unfortunately, created a vacuum inside me that left me looking for approval from pretty much every guy I meet.
(Or, you know, blanket hating them. Like it’s always one of the two. Either I’m into them or I’m wary of them. Or both, it never hurts to have both.)
Listen I know that this sounds really fucked up.
This is potentially more about the workings of my brain than you wanted to know. But I'm pro information and understanding.
I used to think that there was something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. I never wanted to be boy crazy. But I was. Like sometimes to the point of madness. And sometimes, honestly, it still happens. I find myself obsessed with a stranger, or changing my actions to get someone's approval, or going wayyyy out of my way to run into a guy that might possibly (probably not) like me.
And I knew that it was crazy. I was ashamed of it, even. I would watch my friends around me, and they were not boy crazy like me. Yeah, they went on some dates, they found some good people but they were able to let go of relationships that hurt them. And they didn’t obsess over people they barely knew. Well, not as much as I did, anyway.
I seriously thought I was broken.
And yeah, I fucking am broken.
But I am not alone.
When I started reading materials for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, it definitely felt like I had found home. But let me tell you, when I had the first heart-to-heart with someone who had also experienced all of this internal bullshit and the eternal dance for romance, that is when I realized that I was going to be okay. (I’m still re-realizing it every day, let’s be honest, but it was a solid start.) Hearing another person also describe the absolute insanity that this obsession causes was honestly so very relieving. There was a bucket-load of shame that I was able to let go of at that moment.
So this whole thing here, this essay on how fucked up my brain is, it’s for knowledge. Not sympathy or pity. It’s so that maybe you can understand me and people like me a little better. And so that people like me can feel a little bit saner, less alone.
The obsession definitely doesn’t have as much hold over me as it used to in my younger, more insecure years. I am much more aware of how amazing I am these days. I need less of that validation from others than I did before.
But there’s still something there. Like, why did this insanity hide when I was in a relationship? What was it about being in a relationship with someone that sated that thirst for approval? I mean, I thought I was in some pretty healthy relationships (ha) really. (I see you laughing out there.) If it was so healthy, why did it also feed this insanity well enough to keep it at bay?
If I could find what that thing was maybe I could bottle it. And then maybe I could just give it to myself when I need it. Is it validation? I mean, yeah probably, I always want validation. Is it security? Or maybe it is the ability to feel beautiful through someone else’s eyes? I honestly don’t know for sure what it is. What do I want from these strangers on the street?
Side note here, let me just go back to like how horrible this is sometimes, I cannot even tell you how exhausting it is to constantly be asking the question ‘is this a friendship or a crush?’. Like, we’re talking camp counselors, fellow actors, co-workers (not at Kards, thank Goddess), mechanics, doctors, men on the sidewalk, that one dental student I saw one time. It’s been going on FOREVER AND IT IS EXHAUSTING. I would like to turn it off and just live my life without performing for the male gaze, please. (and all the guys are like, we were not even looking at you??? And I’m like OH SHIT, WHY NOT??)
Fuck.
Okay so at this point, you all think I’m crazy. Fucking finally. How have you not already figured that out?
The other night my friends made me put my phone in the other room. They were right to, I was literally checking it every 2 minutes to see if I had gotten a text from someone, anyone male, please.
I am advocating for people to be compassionate with themselves in this situation, but it is still INCREDIBLY difficult for me not to just be disgusted by myself.
After I put my phone down it took about an hour of detox before I could just enjoy myself. It was worth it though, obviously. Like, Gurl, why would you ever choose a boy over your besties, really? They are your FAMILY. They fucking KNOW you. With them, you are home and safe and loved and why is that NOT ENOUGH EVER????
This is my life.
No, okay, this is SOMETIMES my life. Not always. Some days I’m really good at loving myself.
What’s the point here, Athena?
The point is this. It’s okay. It’s alllllll okay. You are fine. I am fine. We are all living life and it’s complicated and sometimes it's terrifying and frustrating and, dear Goddess, if only our childhood lives didn’t have so much power over us, wouldn’t that be wonderful. But they do sometimes, and that’s okay.
The little girl inside me will be looking for someone to love her pretty much always. I just have to keep on working on letting that love come from grown-up me and not some mythical man on the street.
Cue Lizzo song.
End Scene.
What happens next is this stranger starts to influence your whole life. You find out what things he likes, and you start to like them. You change your lunch routine so that he might see you gracefully dining on lettuce. (just lettuce, girls don’t eat. That’s a whole ‘nother conversation tho.) You practice writing your name and his name and then your together names. It’s bad. It consumes you. And then. And THEN. When you do finally say hello, there is so much energy built up on that one interaction that you probably always look like an insane person. “OH HELLO MY NAME IS ATHENA I ALSO LIKE TO BIRDWATCH LOOK AT THESE BINOCULARS I DIDN’T JUST BUY I’VE HAD THEM FOREVER. How do these things work?”
Okay, this is a bit of an exaggeration. But, seriously. My most insane moments, the ones that stick under my skin and come back to haunt me in the night, invariably involve me trying to be cool in front of a person I wanted to like me and absolutely failing.
So maybe you’re thinking, yeah so what? This was also my entire adolescence. It’s not weird, it’s normal. Hormones and shit.
Yeah. Yeahhhhhhh. Except that this didn't end for me with my teen years. It is in fact still pretty prevalent in my life.
I honestly thought I was over it, actually. Like I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I figured I worked on myself long and hard enough that I wasn’t really living my life trying to be half of a thing anymore.
And then I was single for the first time in like 6 years.
Well, hello, all of the sudden every guy that crosses my path is like a super-charged magnet and I am hyper-aware of all of them.
This one is cute. This one is nice. Does nice means he likes me?
Do you think he's single? Is there a wedding ring? oh wait, poly is a thing, maybe it doesn't even matter if he does have a wedding ring.
Every guy I interact with is subconsciously evaluated for romantic potential.
What. The. Fuck.
So maybe also, you’ve noticed at this point that I’ve used gendered language in this. Because it’s real. I love women, I think women are hot and sexy, but this doesn’t happen with every woman I meet. It’s just the men.
And, like, we all know why, here. (Or if you haven't figured it out, I'm about to tell you.) It’s an ass-backward thing about how my dad never loved me or he loved me in a really fucked up way. And that messed up relationship formed a lot of my identity. I mean, I was just a kid. And our relationship (and sometimes lack-there-of) with our parents always has a huge impact on our character. I mean, my dad also helped influenced my love of music and, to his chagrin, my hatred of math. He just also, unfortunately, created a vacuum inside me that left me looking for approval from pretty much every guy I meet.
(Or, you know, blanket hating them. Like it’s always one of the two. Either I’m into them or I’m wary of them. Or both, it never hurts to have both.)
 |
| I mean, not really. my brain is actually the worst. |
Listen I know that this sounds really fucked up.
This is potentially more about the workings of my brain than you wanted to know. But I'm pro information and understanding.
I used to think that there was something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. I never wanted to be boy crazy. But I was. Like sometimes to the point of madness. And sometimes, honestly, it still happens. I find myself obsessed with a stranger, or changing my actions to get someone's approval, or going wayyyy out of my way to run into a guy that might possibly (probably not) like me.
And I knew that it was crazy. I was ashamed of it, even. I would watch my friends around me, and they were not boy crazy like me. Yeah, they went on some dates, they found some good people but they were able to let go of relationships that hurt them. And they didn’t obsess over people they barely knew. Well, not as much as I did, anyway.
I seriously thought I was broken.
And yeah, I fucking am broken.
But I am not alone.
When I started reading materials for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, it definitely felt like I had found home. But let me tell you, when I had the first heart-to-heart with someone who had also experienced all of this internal bullshit and the eternal dance for romance, that is when I realized that I was going to be okay. (I’m still re-realizing it every day, let’s be honest, but it was a solid start.) Hearing another person also describe the absolute insanity that this obsession causes was honestly so very relieving. There was a bucket-load of shame that I was able to let go of at that moment.
So this whole thing here, this essay on how fucked up my brain is, it’s for knowledge. Not sympathy or pity. It’s so that maybe you can understand me and people like me a little better. And so that people like me can feel a little bit saner, less alone.
The obsession definitely doesn’t have as much hold over me as it used to in my younger, more insecure years. I am much more aware of how amazing I am these days. I need less of that validation from others than I did before.
But there’s still something there. Like, why did this insanity hide when I was in a relationship? What was it about being in a relationship with someone that sated that thirst for approval? I mean, I thought I was in some pretty healthy relationships (ha) really. (I see you laughing out there.) If it was so healthy, why did it also feed this insanity well enough to keep it at bay?
If I could find what that thing was maybe I could bottle it. And then maybe I could just give it to myself when I need it. Is it validation? I mean, yeah probably, I always want validation. Is it security? Or maybe it is the ability to feel beautiful through someone else’s eyes? I honestly don’t know for sure what it is. What do I want from these strangers on the street?
Side note here, let me just go back to like how horrible this is sometimes, I cannot even tell you how exhausting it is to constantly be asking the question ‘is this a friendship or a crush?’. Like, we’re talking camp counselors, fellow actors, co-workers (not at Kards, thank Goddess), mechanics, doctors, men on the sidewalk, that one dental student I saw one time. It’s been going on FOREVER AND IT IS EXHAUSTING. I would like to turn it off and just live my life without performing for the male gaze, please. (and all the guys are like, we were not even looking at you??? And I’m like OH SHIT, WHY NOT??)
Fuck.
Okay so at this point, you all think I’m crazy. Fucking finally. How have you not already figured that out?
The other night my friends made me put my phone in the other room. They were right to, I was literally checking it every 2 minutes to see if I had gotten a text from someone, anyone male, please.
I am advocating for people to be compassionate with themselves in this situation, but it is still INCREDIBLY difficult for me not to just be disgusted by myself.
After I put my phone down it took about an hour of detox before I could just enjoy myself. It was worth it though, obviously. Like, Gurl, why would you ever choose a boy over your besties, really? They are your FAMILY. They fucking KNOW you. With them, you are home and safe and loved and why is that NOT ENOUGH EVER????
This is my life.
No, okay, this is SOMETIMES my life. Not always. Some days I’m really good at loving myself.
What’s the point here, Athena?
The point is this. It’s okay. It’s alllllll okay. You are fine. I am fine. We are all living life and it’s complicated and sometimes it's terrifying and frustrating and, dear Goddess, if only our childhood lives didn’t have so much power over us, wouldn’t that be wonderful. But they do sometimes, and that’s okay.
The little girl inside me will be looking for someone to love her pretty much always. I just have to keep on working on letting that love come from grown-up me and not some mythical man on the street.
Cue Lizzo song.
End Scene.
all gifs from giphy
screenshots (with dialog) from Gravity Falls
men are the worst image from memegenerator
heart photo from pmslweb
screenshots (with dialog) from Gravity Falls
men are the worst image from memegenerator
heart photo from pmslweb
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