I don't have to prove anything to anyone but myself.
I have a habit of being what they want me to be.
I know they want me to be smart, to be funny and to like the things they like. To know about everything so that I can make conversation. I know that's what they want. I have to impress them; I have to fit in. I cannot allow them to see me as strange. I must be one of them.
It's a problem many people face. We want people to like us. Unfortunately my need to fit is slightly more ingrained than most. When you grow up with a parent who is emotionally incapable of loving you, you spend a lot of time trying to make yourself loveable. (We'll talk later about the concept that I should be able to admit this and not inspire pity or fear. If hinting at my history of childhood abuse makes you uncomfortable, I only hope you don't dismiss it, and instead realize that many of us are broken and we should be allowed to admit so without being judged.)
The worst part of pretending that you know everything is that it is much harder to learn things. I want them to think that I know about that pop culture reference they just made (because only someone lame in your eyes wouldn't have seen the show blahblah....) so I just nod and smile and hope that tricks them all. And it usually does. And pretending you know something means you never actually figure out what that something really is.
But do you know what the consequences of just nodding and smiling are?
Guilt, Fear and Shame. In small increments, of course. You can only feel so guilty about not knowing every song by Queen, or ANY for that matter. But those little bits add up over time. And of course there's the chance that someone will catch on. Or ask you YOUR favorite song, and realize that you've been lying this whole time. Because it is lying.
It's a defense mechanism, but it's one of those horrible cycling ones. A windmill of shame and lies that keeps turning in on itself. Until you stop. Until you decide to be true to yourself. No, you say, I don't know what you're talking about! Tell me all about it! I'm a curious individual, and I would like to know!
Sure it may seem strange that I don't know these things, but I should have to defend myself by telling you my history. I shouldn't have to say, I know you think I'm missing out because I haven't seen any of that really popular show or heard any of that really popular music, but I grew up without a TV or and I only listened to Christian Rock for most of my young life. I shouldn't have to defend myself. And honestly, most people wouldn't ask me to. It's mostly in my head. I feel as though I am inadequate because I do not know the things you know.
What I forget is that the things that I know have JUST as much value as the things they know. Maybe they like Coldplay or American Idol. Maybe they like the Beatles. Maybe listening to Michael Jackson's early music helped them through their adolescent years. Maybe these things are really important to the majority.
But I have a unique history. I have my own life. It is full of beautiful things. It is filled with folk music, and little-known Disney movies that my neighbor recorded for us on VHS because we didn't have cable. It's full of records that never get dusty, full of strength and hope. It is full of a backyard where magic happened every day with my 12 imaginary brothers, and a crisp, cool basement where I retreated to on summer days. No air conditioning, just cool cement. It is a childhood spent watching my most amazing mother cutting wood into intricate designs, sewing little aprons for tiny wooden bunnies. It's a history of dancing in the rain on the back deck, in the back yard, in the driveway, in the street, any and every time the rain came down. It's flower chains in the front yards and raising my own little pine tree that I sang to every night.
It's a beautiful life I lived. And I forget that. And I, instead, find myself ashamed that I didn't see any of the shows on TV that were popular. That I didn't listen to top 40 radio. I don't get pop culture references, and I couldn't tell you who the Kardashians are or who Jonny Depp is dating right now. And I don't know how beer is made, and I don't know many Queen songs at all, and I say I like the Eagles, but I couldn't name one song without cheating. And I read LOTR and I love it, but I don't know the names of the rings, as much as I wish I did. And I'm terrible at philosophy despite having take 3 college level courses. And I don't know the name of my favorite actors, just what they look like. And all these things make me feel ashamed and stupid.
I have spent so much time of my life trying to be everything but me, trying to trick everyone, and really only failing myself. I am a very strange person. I like trees. I talk to plants. I listen to middle aged women sing twangy songs and strum banjos. I listen to Native American Chants on CD and sit there wishing I was brave enough to go listen to them in real life.
And I'm really freaking smart, but not because I know everything, but because I know some things that get me all excited and passionate and I learn the shit out of those things. Like the history of Irish plays and how they were part of a huge political and cultural movement. And I know that most of that green you see out there in the wild woods is an invasive species that's slowly killing off our native trees, and that makes me EXTREMELY ANGRY. And I know a crap ton about Christianity, but I'm not a christian. I just really loved to study it, yo. And I know to make an amazing chocolate cake, and I know why sometimes chocolate chip cookies come out flat and sometimes they're fat and puffy.
So it's time to change my thought process. It's time to start working hard on loving me. On admitting to myself that I don't need to meet any expectations except my own. I cannot be everything for everyone.
And it doesn't matter who likes me, who thinks I'm cool. I am a beautiful, smart, wonderful child made of stardust. And really, once you realize that you are made of tiny bits of star, you really shouldn't have to be any cooler than that.
I know they want me to be smart, to be funny and to like the things they like. To know about everything so that I can make conversation. I know that's what they want. I have to impress them; I have to fit in. I cannot allow them to see me as strange. I must be one of them.
It's a problem many people face. We want people to like us. Unfortunately my need to fit is slightly more ingrained than most. When you grow up with a parent who is emotionally incapable of loving you, you spend a lot of time trying to make yourself loveable. (We'll talk later about the concept that I should be able to admit this and not inspire pity or fear. If hinting at my history of childhood abuse makes you uncomfortable, I only hope you don't dismiss it, and instead realize that many of us are broken and we should be allowed to admit so without being judged.)
The worst part of pretending that you know everything is that it is much harder to learn things. I want them to think that I know about that pop culture reference they just made (because only someone lame in your eyes wouldn't have seen the show blahblah....) so I just nod and smile and hope that tricks them all. And it usually does. And pretending you know something means you never actually figure out what that something really is.
But do you know what the consequences of just nodding and smiling are?
Guilt, Fear and Shame. In small increments, of course. You can only feel so guilty about not knowing every song by Queen, or ANY for that matter. But those little bits add up over time. And of course there's the chance that someone will catch on. Or ask you YOUR favorite song, and realize that you've been lying this whole time. Because it is lying.
It's a defense mechanism, but it's one of those horrible cycling ones. A windmill of shame and lies that keeps turning in on itself. Until you stop. Until you decide to be true to yourself. No, you say, I don't know what you're talking about! Tell me all about it! I'm a curious individual, and I would like to know!
Sure it may seem strange that I don't know these things, but I should have to defend myself by telling you my history. I shouldn't have to say, I know you think I'm missing out because I haven't seen any of that really popular show or heard any of that really popular music, but I grew up without a TV or and I only listened to Christian Rock for most of my young life. I shouldn't have to defend myself. And honestly, most people wouldn't ask me to. It's mostly in my head. I feel as though I am inadequate because I do not know the things you know.
What I forget is that the things that I know have JUST as much value as the things they know. Maybe they like Coldplay or American Idol. Maybe they like the Beatles. Maybe listening to Michael Jackson's early music helped them through their adolescent years. Maybe these things are really important to the majority.
But I have a unique history. I have my own life. It is full of beautiful things. It is filled with folk music, and little-known Disney movies that my neighbor recorded for us on VHS because we didn't have cable. It's full of records that never get dusty, full of strength and hope. It is full of a backyard where magic happened every day with my 12 imaginary brothers, and a crisp, cool basement where I retreated to on summer days. No air conditioning, just cool cement. It is a childhood spent watching my most amazing mother cutting wood into intricate designs, sewing little aprons for tiny wooden bunnies. It's a history of dancing in the rain on the back deck, in the back yard, in the driveway, in the street, any and every time the rain came down. It's flower chains in the front yards and raising my own little pine tree that I sang to every night.
It's a beautiful life I lived. And I forget that. And I, instead, find myself ashamed that I didn't see any of the shows on TV that were popular. That I didn't listen to top 40 radio. I don't get pop culture references, and I couldn't tell you who the Kardashians are or who Jonny Depp is dating right now. And I don't know how beer is made, and I don't know many Queen songs at all, and I say I like the Eagles, but I couldn't name one song without cheating. And I read LOTR and I love it, but I don't know the names of the rings, as much as I wish I did. And I'm terrible at philosophy despite having take 3 college level courses. And I don't know the name of my favorite actors, just what they look like. And all these things make me feel ashamed and stupid.
I have spent so much time of my life trying to be everything but me, trying to trick everyone, and really only failing myself. I am a very strange person. I like trees. I talk to plants. I listen to middle aged women sing twangy songs and strum banjos. I listen to Native American Chants on CD and sit there wishing I was brave enough to go listen to them in real life.
And I'm really freaking smart, but not because I know everything, but because I know some things that get me all excited and passionate and I learn the shit out of those things. Like the history of Irish plays and how they were part of a huge political and cultural movement. And I know that most of that green you see out there in the wild woods is an invasive species that's slowly killing off our native trees, and that makes me EXTREMELY ANGRY. And I know a crap ton about Christianity, but I'm not a christian. I just really loved to study it, yo. And I know to make an amazing chocolate cake, and I know why sometimes chocolate chip cookies come out flat and sometimes they're fat and puffy.
So it's time to change my thought process. It's time to start working hard on loving me. On admitting to myself that I don't need to meet any expectations except my own. I cannot be everything for everyone.
And it doesn't matter who likes me, who thinks I'm cool. I am a beautiful, smart, wonderful child made of stardust. And really, once you realize that you are made of tiny bits of star, you really shouldn't have to be any cooler than that.
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