Can't Dance Won't Dance

There is a constant knot in my shoulder.
My default stance is slightly hunched, bracing for impact.
Relaxing my muscles is not second nature.
I am continually clenched.

The good side of all this?
Well... I've been told that my vag is tight AF.
There is a silver lining to every little thing.

I went to a concert last week. At some point I realized that I couldn't make it through one song before my brain started distracting me. I would be present for a couple lines and then, there would pop up the monkey brain, the constant check list.

I felt stiff and rigid all night. Well. Most of the night. I wanted to be able to dance, to sway.... but I was in a crowded room, surrounded by people standing still, holding a beer and bobbing their heads. There was no way I was going to risk drawing anyone's attention by actually letting the music move my body.

There's a part of me that really wishes I could be one of those beautiful weirdos that dances a little too hard in a crowd of head bobbers. But I jiggle too much. And my steps are too heavy. My body is one that should be contained, not set free.

30+ years of attempted body positivity and here I am again, still containing my body.

As a kid, when I was home alone I used to blast the stereo and just DANCE. I connected with my body, I felt it flow and move and I made up some of the most wonderous(ly rediculous) choreography. In my head, I was a natural. I was the embodiment of grace. In reality... well, I'm sure I just looked like some silly kid doing full body interpretive dance, trying WAY too hard.

We'll never really know, though. Because never have I ever danced like that in front of another human.

Sure, get me a little tipsy and I'll bust a mini-move on the dance floor. Never alone, only with friendly back-up.

But you know what I want in my heart of hearts? I want to be so comfortable with my body and who I am that I can dance to the live, in person version of my favorite song. Why the fuck should I stand still when I am listening to a song that has always moved my soul, live, in concert, the band a few yards in front of me. My attention should be fully on how that music flows in my body than how my body fits in other people's gaze.

My body and I need to get a long better, I think. Most of the time my body is a cause of annoyance, sadness, frustration. My mind is loud and busy, and it is so easy to live in my brain instead of my body.

Thinking always gets me in trouble. Why am I so much more afraid of my body than my brain?