Being True To You

I thought I was in love this one time. And maybe I was in love with him, but he wasn't in love with me.

This isn't a sob story, I promise. There is nothing but joy to be had at the end of this story, so hang in there.

I was dating this guy. We seemed to be really well matched in some of our thoughts on spirituality, and he was a great calm person to spend time with. Or I thought at the time. It felt to me that when I spent time with him, I was living in a world of wisdom and contemplation. It was a very peaceful and relaxing feeling.

When I was around him I was subdued. I didn't do it on purpose, I just... felt calm around him. Or maybe I just wanted to seem calm. It was never a conscious decision to be the tame version of myself. It just happened.

Eventually I had this guy meet my friends. My friends are my life. They are my family, my fun, my support, my joy. When I'm around them I feel alive and whole and full of bubbles. We get a little rowdy, and this really loud silly girl inside me starts popping out. I love that part of me. When she's around I'm usually having so much fun.

He had never seen this side of me. To him I was supposed to be quiet, contemplative..... subdued. And maybe around him I was. But that was only ever PART of me. It was never the whole me. the whole me is much louder and full of frolic.

After spending time with me and my friends a few times, he started turning down group invitations. He would rather me come to his apartment alone where we could be quiet together. That was totally fine with me. As an introvert, I totally understand not wanting to overstimulate yourself with people. I am one of those people that will totally understand if you back out on a night out because your day was too hard. So it was all fine with me.

Except for him, it wasn't fine. He slowly started asking me why I spent time with those people. Why I allowed myself to be rowdy and uncontrolled like that. It was subtle at first, and I almost missed all of it. Until one day he just came right out and said it: "I don't like the version of you when you're around those people."

I was very confused. Because to me, it was very clear that the me that appeared when I was with my friends wasn't a 'version' of me. It was ME. plain and simple. And it was the same when I was spending time with him. I was ME. It just so happened that sometimes I was quieter.

That was the beginning of the end for me. It was a long slow end. But the end result was this:
I knew that if someone didn't love ALL of me, they didn't love me. If he didn't love the crazy fun me that popped out when the sangria and besties came to visit, then he didn't really love me at all. He had created an illusion in his head about me. I was a quiet girl. It was the illusion that he loved.

Here's the point in all this: I am me. I love me. I mean, sometimes I hate me, but I accept all parts of me: loud, quiet, awkward, contemplative, silly, everything. It's who I am.

I refuse to be only part of me for any person in my life any more. These days, I am so much more confident about who I am. I don't deny being queer or poly or loud or silly or loving ponies or hating sports, or being sometimes a hipster. I am these things. Sometimes I pretend that I don't accept these things. Like when people tell me that I'm a Fluttershy.... I know I actually am. That's who I am inside. It ain't going to change.

My skin feels a lot more comfortable these days. Now that I'm surrounding myself with people who love all parts of me. Now that I have decided that being loud is okay and being quiet is okay and that, most importantly, no one can try to tell me that one part or the other of myself is wrong.

I have become my own best friend. seriously. It feels amazing to know that I can and will stand up for myself when people try to dampen me. I'm not taking shit from anyone. Except maybe my friends, but that's because they know that they will never change me and that's okay by them. They love me for who I am too.

So here's the joy part, just in case you missed it: You can be your own best ally. You can be your own best friend. And when you are, no one will be able to push you down or tune you out. You can stand up for your own self, just like I did when I decided that a guy who didn't like all of me didn't get the pleasure of my company anymore. I don't have time for that. You don't have time for that. We don't have time for that.

We only have this one life. Probably. So we should live it in a way that is truly authentic to ourselves. Do not let anyone try to bend you or shape you to their expectations or desires. Break the mold! Be unique! And above all, love yourself fully.