One Choice at a Time

My therapist tells me to live in the moment. Be centered, be present, sit in the now. If anxiety is the future leaning too heavily on us and depression is the past lingering too strongly, the now is the least painful place to be, right? Not worried about the future and not regretting the past.  The now isn't guaranteed to be nice or fun or anything wonderful, but at least you're not compounding the feelings of the moment with anxiety and depression.

My Grandfather told me to make a plan. Look at the future, lay out a path and just keep walking until you get there. Chug chug chug along, get the money, get the degree, get the job, get the promotion, keep working your way forward until you have a well-knit safety net made of paychecks, savings accounts, retirement fund.... Grampie knew what he was doing. He died with a small fortune and a financial plan that kept working well past his death. 

I've tried both of these tactics... I'll be honest, my default mode is having full control of every aspect of my life, detailed planning, research; I'm not actually that great at the whole 'taking action' part of planning though. Sometimes I'm not sure if I change my plan because I'm making a healthy choice or if I'm scared to move forward. There have been at least two Masters programs that accepted me that I passed up on, and sometimes I really regret that. Like, I made that plan and did that research right up until I had to really commit and then I decided to pull back and 'live in the moment' and be happy where I was. 

I don't know, maybe I'm being a little harsh on myself. Like, if I'm actually real here, I declined positions in those programs because I had found my perfect job and what I thought was my perfect person. At the time, it was a logical and wholesome choice to make. But now that the person isn't my person anymore.... it stings a bit more than it used to. 

When I was growing up, I was taught that I had a destiny from God. There are a number of times in my timeline that I can point to where I thought I was having some sort of spiritual experience confirming my destiny. There's a dream I still remember.... It was the eve of Pentecost and I had a vivid dream involving infinity symbols and the Voice of God, confirming that I was meant for greatness. I was going to teach about God and change lives and save the world. 

About the time I had my breakdown, I think I decided that destiny was exhausting. Like, I often don't have enough emotional reserves for my own damn self, how the hell am I supposed to help other people? I just wanted to cut off all of the excess burden, all of the 'path', and just live my damn life. 

So I did for a while. My goal in life shifted from changing the world to just... treasuring my friends and being happy. How could that possibly go wrong, right? 

Idk I think I fucked that up too. I chose the wrong friends for a minute, and let them suck me dry. I changed my whole life plan. I was going to be a part-time stay at home mom and oh my god that dream was just precious to me. I wanted to be my mother, the woman who taught their kids to do crafts, to play in the sunshine, to clean with the music up loud, to sing around the house, to just be the embodiment of joy and curiosity. I was so fucking excited for that future. I was so joyful that I had found someone to have that future with me. 

And then that path blew up and I was sent spiraling back to ... square one? the beginning? 

It's stupid how much of myself was tied up in relationship. Experiencing being single for the first time in like 5 years was like putting on a whole new skin. Except I find myself looking at my future and thinking, what now? I'm not headed towards marriage, house, kids in the next 2 years anymore. I still have my dream job, but I also have some pretty serious counseling skills that maybe I should be using? 

That's a whole question there, isn't it? Like, I have had people tell me things like "you were meant for this" and it makes me feel excited... but also tired. My theology professor once told me that I was one of the very few people who really GOT theology and that I really needed to continue on in the field. I mean, obviously, I haven't done that.  I had someone recently tell me that I was born to do a particular kind of therapy. So am I now obligated to go down that path? Is that where my destiny is? And after the number of life changes and implosions lately, I just... don't fucking want to be destined to do shit. 

Like, what's wrong with just petting my dog and going to work and laughing with my friends. At what point were we all required to do something epic with our lives? 

And then the logical part of me is like.... but actually, you probably need more money. and like, a retirement fund. And like, a career you can fall back on when you're too old to work at a register for 8 hours a day anymore. 

So how do I make this decision? How do I figure out if I'm resisting because I just don't want to be caged in any more or if because I really just don't want to do any more shit already? Where is the line?

I think I need another month without a plan maybe. Like one more month where I'm just like, fuck you and all of your expectations. (Although let's be real, the person with the most 'expectations' for me is actually myself.)

One choice at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.