want you to like me

"I think I've figured it out," I told my therapist. 

"I think it's my pride. Like for some reason, I want to be better than others or something so I just keep having this thought that I should get more degrees. Get my doctorate."

She looked at me for a minute and then said, "what if, instead of pride, it's just.... insecurity? You want people to like you and at some level, you don't think you're good enough yet."

Well, hello truth, I see you've come to make me cry again today. 

A well-known side-effect of being raised by a narcissist is REALLY wanting to be loved. Because the narcissist just isn't capable of really loving you, but as a child, you can't possibly understand that and so you just think it's your own fault. It's like this endless cycle of trying to be and do better, to earn their respect and adoration, and constantly failing. Because it's literally impossible. Never ever will I be completely good enough. 

Sure, my dad spent a lot of time bragging about me. Because he was proud of himself and how he had molded me. And mixed in with all that bragging was a very clear path that he was laying out for me. More school, more degrees, a doctorate at a young age, hell, let's throw in being skinnier and also being a skilled musician. All of those were dreams he put on me. 

I thought that I had gotten rid of my dad's influence over me. I thought I had purged him from my system, taken back control. But any mental health professional will tell you that this is definitely a delusion on my part. It takes a lifetime to undo the madness that is built within you during your childhood. I have so many cobwebs still up inside me, and I've been doing deep cleans for a while now. 

I'm 100% aware that I really want people to like me. It's a learned behavior. I'm hella more confident and secure than I was, but I definitely still find myself doing things out of insecurity. So, of course, this doctorate thing is linked. Like, OF COURSE, this is another thing lurking in me with my dad's face on it. He's up there like a little evil gremlin telling me that smart people get doctorates and I should have mine already. I'm a failure for not having one, actually. 

Faiiiiiilllllureeee. 

I'm also a failure for not remembering all of the piano lessons I had or being able to dye an easter egg in a perfect rainbow. I'm a failure for my lack of perfection. I'm a failure in so many ways, big and small. I can still see my father's face, the look in his eyes, the pity, the judgment, the disappointment. He was really good at putting his sadness all over other people, and I have a spot in my body that is shaped perfectly to hold it even still.  

The first step is recognition. but I'll be honest, this is more of a constant on-going cycle of awareness. I find myself feeling self-judgemental, I remember and recognize my demons, I smother them with love, I feel strong again, time passes, I find myself feeling self-judgemental. And that's okay. I can also let go of the pressure of perfecting this on the first go-through. There is no insta fix here. I'm not a computer that can just erase harmful coding. I just have to slowly erode it over time with love and compassion.

When I take away the expectations of my father.... well, I love academia. I love learning. but you know what? I also love being happy, stress-free and having time to live my life. And I love creating things. And reading things for fun. And I love my job. 

So....  no doctorate for me, thanks! More power to all of you people who are still slogging on. Imma be over here making pretty things and playing with my doggo and shining my not-burnt-out light for the people I find in my life around me. 

....I'm still going to work on that whole retirement fund though. Aka Travel Fund. >.>